上班

嘿，我知我是太久沒有更新網誌了，還不知有沒有人在看。

還不是因為太多的其他social networking device, 又twitter又facebook又wave。一下子太容易發表片言隻語，意念都全被消磨，寫不成比較長篇的網誌了。

有些事還是不能用一百四十個字來表達的，就好似我這兩個星期的上班生活。工作的劇團中的演員都有學習障礙，也有自閉症，唐氏綜合症等。當中有部分是在訓練中的學生，有部分是專業演員，會參與national tour, 演出BBC節目及電影等。「特殊教育／戲劇」或許不是我的專長，但我相信人們能透過劇場溝通，而在戲劇世界中我們可以創造出一個不存在的世界，一個還未在社會中實現的世界。好像楊秉基在《等待明光》中的處理，演員看不到嗎？在台上鋪上引路徑，令他憑著足底的感覺，把路看得和大家一樣清楚。演員有讀寫障礙不懂讀劇本嗎？我們就把它錄了音吧。演員只能說到單字嗎？讓他用文字以外的語言表達吧。每個人都有發展個人才能的機會，社會應負起給予每個人相同起點的責任。這個如此社會福利主義的說法，恐怕我說不下去了。

總之，實實在在追求理想的感覺真好。

Victoria

It's our beautiful harbour, again

post-show blues... or not

The show is done. It was only yesterday, and it feels like ages. It feels so distant. This is my favourite matephor: it feels like a dream.
I congraduate myself on being able to annoyed some people, and impressed other by doing exactly the same thing. I am so glad that I turn out not being too ridiculous, and stupid. I promise, I will only get better from now on.
Thats all for now, I know i am lasy

ps. the key on my keyboard for the last alphabet is officially dead. pardon me when i use "s" instead of the alphabet that cannot be typed.

Happy Birthday my love

Today is my love's birthday, but I didn't send anything, I have even missed his call. I tried to call back, but it couldn't get through.

I feel guilty and rubbish. I really feel sad. Am I not a competent girlfriend? Among my mates, I am always the one who is not sensetive about birthdays, and I am sometimes blamed as heartless. Well, now it proves that I am not putting boys before friends, I am just so insensitive... maybe not caring... but I cannot admit that I am not caring. I may be careless, but I am not care-less. I do care, I do care a lot. First of all, I do remember. Secondly, as I have written down a week ago in Chinese, I planned to do sth.

Birthday is the most important day for a person, because one wouldn't have existed without a birthday. That's why I know I shouldn't be down on this important day of my beloved one. I am grateful that the day has brought my beloved to life, and his family as well. This should be a day for me to celebrate, a baby was born on this day who has grown into a lovely man.

My love, I wish you a fabulous year, and more fabulous years to come.

yours,
Joyce

Bad habbit

Sense of uneasiness is creeping on me again... There seems a lot to be done, tasks and feelings get mixed up together in a bundle, which I am too frightened to disentangle. Such feelings paralyzed me, knots in the bundle are then tied up even tighter.

It makes me feel like a loser.

mass dance

Have seen this T-mobile dance earlier this year, think it was brilliant and a lot of fun



now somebody has used the same idea to pay tribute to MJ. So tempted to do the same in HK...

reminder

明天要寫封信並寄出
一星期後便是他生日了

Country road take me home to the place where I belong

Me: I am gonna be back to England late Aug...

Friend: Since when you are going "back" to England instead of going "to" England???

Well, it's such an ideological question. I guess it was since when I have somewhere to belong. Isn't it just great to have somewhere you can go back to all the time? I am going back to HK, and then I am going back to England. Always feeling like home, always feeling belonged. Isn't it great to be a bird without legs?

Its difficult

Creating a theatre piece is a long process... its not like building a house, which you pile bricks on top of bricks, stacking it up and seeing it getting closer to finish. if it is compared to building a house, it means u'll have to pile up bricks, go away and look at it from a distance, knock it down and pick the bricks you want from the debris, build the whole thing again, go away and look at it, and repeat the whole thing again until..... then time is up....

there is no limit to "beauty"/ "sublime". we always say time's not enough, or we could do better given more time, and which is always true. therefore we can only constrain ourselve to time limit. we, or I, always blame the time. It turns out to be an existential problem...... ???

____________________________

Google Street really does help to ease homesick

shedding piercing

It sounds horrible, and impossible, but it is exactly what happens to me. I predict in 1 week's time, my beloved momerable eyebrow piercing is biding me farewel. I think this case can be conuted as an urban legend.

It's a massive shame, as I still like it so much. It's a saddening shame, as I did it for my 24th birthday. It's like losing a gift.

I don't know, I may do it again. Or I might get a tattoo somewhere, in case a replacement piercing may shed too. Or will I just shed my skin to get rid of the tattoo as well?

I start to be convinced that my recovering ablity is impressive. What happen now is, like, expelling external matelic object by growing flesh that fills the punched hole.

苦悶又來襲

苦悶又來襲

很多時, 在香港不忙時就會覺得很悶. 回港的這幾天, 都是是旦旦隔離一下自己. 又可能是時差, 整天感覺怪怪的. 不是完全沒事做, 但是有事提不起勁做...

好, 寫下一個工作表, 提醒下自己:

- 申請VISA
- 申請獎學金
- 寫THESIS
- 寫劇本
- 排戲/製作

好了, 大致是這樣.
BOB教我的, 找一張白紙, 寫詳細的每一步. 然後每做好一步就劃一劃, 感覺就會有成功感一點.

殘酷劇場

"殘酷"應該不是形容殘酷劇場最好的詞語

這裡的"殘酷"不是指血腥, 暴力或是折磨, 而是指最赤裸裸, 最直接的現實呈現. 在殘酷劇場裡, 我們已不想再用被形式及社會馴服了的符號所控制. 我們想創造出一套人與人之間能直接感通的詞彙. 不再用玫瑰代表愛情, 白色代表純潔, 月亮代表我的心.

就是因為這樣, 我們已沒有一個字詞能正確表達出什麼叫"殘酷劇場". 如果要讀懂莎士比亞, 代表先要學好你的英語, 那麼能讀莎士比亞就代表你是人上人. 如果要懂看劇場, 代表先要接受劇場形式洗禮, 那麼戲劇欣賞代表戲劇只是少眾人的玩意. 那麼我們並不需要劇場, 或者說, 劇場不是必要的. 因為我們還有電影, 小說, 音樂......

但劇場並不是這樣的. 在劇場裡, 觀眾與演員共同擁有的是人類的身體. 無論你讀幾多書, 你傷心時會想哭, 無論你幾有錢, 被打時會痛. 就如當你看見別人吃酸梅時, 你不期然分泌出口沫. 我知道, 如果你是要不聽, 我講幾多都沒有用. 但如果我打你, 你無辦法不痛. 在劇場裡, 我不會打人, 但我們希望尋找出一套劇場語言, 令你無法躲避, 無法不作出反應.

我在列斯天氣晴

回到LEEDS了

朝早起身, 就聽到鳥兒在歌唱, 太陽伯伯高高掛在天空, 向著我們微笑, 萬里無雲, 涼風送爽

LEEDS SWEET LEEDS

迷失

我真的不明白, 為什麼我會不斷在家唔見野

今天開始執行李, 發現(真的)不見了i pod, 太陽眼鏡, 眉鉗, 指甲鉗, 一件從公司拿回來的冷衫, 及其他無數衫...

我真的不明白, 為什麼這個家已沒有我的生活空間了. 好像連間屋也蝦我, 一步一步收埋我的東西, 好像要令我知難而退. 房間裡的衣櫃已沒有我的衫, 或者(在裡面但)已不可能找到我的衫. 於是我的衣物一是留在行李箱內, 二是都要放在床頭的書架上. 於是床頭上書架的書都要被丟掉, 或是存放在阿爸的公司. 於是要找的書往往又找不到... 有幾頭住家, 還是沒有住家, 似有還無.

piled higher and deeper

people "pleaded" me not to do an Phd.
This comic strip is called "Piled Higher and Deeper", the "phd comic".

lmao

sweet

I really love the Mighty Boosh
Unfortunately the BBC discovered the channel of the person who had uploaded the whole series, and then youtube deleted that person's account.

this one survived. cos it was independently made.
this is one of the most brilliantly made short film i have seen ever.
within 10 mins, complete plot, colourful characters, imaginative story.
recommand

SWEET




i simply love noel's accent, 100% cuteness

I am not feeling so well

I hate sneezing all day
I hate itchy nose
I hate rubbing my nose all day
I hate snort
I hate blowing my nose all day

I hate dust
I hate dirt

weird dreams

The shaky hand boy photo


I had a weird dream last night.

In the dream, i was in a hurry to catch my flight. It starts with me and my friends were going on kind of an exchange trip to a temple museum. I was with my pink suitcase, some other soft packs and a long hard case with an musical instrument inside. As a guest, I stayed in one of the galleries in the museum for one night. For some reason and other plots that I have forgotten, It was quater past 6 and my flight leave quater to 10. I was in a hurry to pack up my things however I was not allowed into the gallery to pack up, because there is a special exhibition in the gallery which only allows male visitors... and then g man (a real life fmtp person) appeared and I asked him to collect my things. However, the museum is like very complex and large so that he gave up finding his way to the gallery. At last, I determined to do it myself. When I approach the gallery counter, staff asked me to wear a special costume which looked like some kimono. Before I went in, a female staff talked to me in manderin, but I could understand nothing. I asked her to repeat but still incomprehensable. I suddenly realized that she asked me to pay for the kimono. So I asked her to put it on my bill. G man was with me. When we collected my things, we tried to go back downstairs through the slit through the crack underneath a matress. However, the hard case was appearantly too large so we decided to use the lift.

The dream was non-sense. But I am amazed at how well I can remember it. It is what worth writing.

Weird dreams xxx

set aside some time

Dear love,

My paradise-holiday has come to a halt. Can't believe that I am starting work so swiftly. When life is cohered to be more regular, I am sleeping well and having an active appetite.

I have a new habit too. Each night before I go to bed and let myself sleep, I would set aside some time to think of you. And then I will smile myself to sleep. You like to take photos of us being together with your eyes, and then lock the images in your brain. I learn from you and lock images in my little brain as well. So, I go over our pictures for my new found habit every night.

Sleep well, my love.

yours,
j

Can I sneeze at you?

In bed, we were in a cuddle.

"Can I sneeze at you?" I asked.

"Hmm... yes of course, it's from you, ain't it?" he smiled

I bury my head in his chest with a contented smile.

"Har..ar...ar..." faking the sound of a potential sneeze, I targeted a sneeze at his face. Then we both cracked into laughter.

"So there's a limit to your love for me yea?"

"Well, you can sneeze at my feet,"

"Not your face?"

"Ha you are allowed to sneeze at my feet,"

pause

"Can I fart at your face?" He peeked at me under his eyes, testingly curved his lip.

"Yes of course! You are allowed to fart at my face!"

"Because you know that I won't do it, you are confident,"

"No no I wasn't sure, but you can fart at my face, and you must warn me before you fart,..."

"You know I won't do it,"

"...and then I will hold my breath"

"So there is a limit to your love to me, you won't take in my fart,"

"No, cause that's something you don't want as well. You are getting rid of it. I will breath in the fart which is still inside you,"

"Yea, if it's out it's not mine anymore,"

"And you don't want the fart right? I am on your side as well, if you don't want it, I don't want it too. We are on a united front,"

"Yea yea..."

和你在一起 being with you

I can't sleep, I don't want to sleep anyway. All I want to do is to have you in my arms and curl up in bed, in a cuddle. And then it may last forever.

The world is different when you are here. The city is not oppressing and boring anymore. Everyday routine and environment suddently regain vitality and come back to life again. 24 hours go by so quickly that I can never share enough with you. I wish each day gets longer, and tomorrow comes quicker. Thats why I cannot sleep. I am too impatient to wait for the whole long night to change into the day. I am literally restless.

Please, tomorrow, please come.

lum爆

你知唔知咩叫"LUM爆"?

BOB明天到港了. 他往LONDON的火車上傳來了一個短訊, 真是叫我LUM爆了...
心溶掉了, 面上不自禁地甜笑

我真是被LUM爆了...

P.S. 朋友們, 不要再SEND中文SMS給我了, 我的手機是不能看中文的

回家了

我回家了

晚上即刻鼻痕, 早上又不停打噴嚏...
好睏...

人離鄉賤/物以罕為貴

我的DISTRESS, 不是一天/一件事做成的.

我喜歡向上望, 希望越級挑戰, 我好高鶩遠. 找工如是, 找書讀如是, 找男朋友如是... 那是我心底裡的一個黑洞, 每經苦難, 我就會被吸進去, 消失於宇宙中.

25歲, 我已很老了.
但比上不足, 比下有餘. 23歲做到25歲的事, 令我很高興; 但25歲時, 卻要我仍是做25歲的事, 令我DISTRESS.

還有更多的不如意, 令我身處進退兩難的境地.

我想, 我還是不會放棄的.

唉, 年青人

唉, 作為一個25歲的老女人, 看見近日新聞都討論了很多年青人問題, 覺得上一輩/自己/年青人真是越來越不能溝通了.

關楚耀同衛詩在日本被捕, 討論焦點都在藝人應以身作則的問題. 其實他們不應再因為吸毒而被遣責, 因為他們已被捕了, 將受法律制裁. 其他人應指出, 他們錯是錯在太蠢, 太囂張. 所謂"玩還玩, 要玩得醒目D先", 身有屎還去高買. 根本是無視法紀.

而在學校索K及14歲媽媽. 這個社會那麼保守, 做什麼也不行, 也罵了先算, 罵完一場又是什麼都不懂. 社福制度又是沒有改變. 不是好人便是壞人, 不是衰仔就是乖仔, 不斷製造兩極. 在這個制度下, 只有人人都是奴隸, 社會才不會生亂.

好累, 不說了. 恐怕我回來後你見到我, 也會說我吸毒, 濫交了.

Story Of Anvil

近日仍是要為口奔馳, 忙得不可開交.

活還是要過的. 最省勁的娛樂還不是看電影.
OSCAR的大贏家slumdog millionaire, 好看是好看, 但好像不夠OSCAR的best picture. 大概是誠意及志氣可嘉罷.

最近很喜歡的一套電影, 是一齣紀錄片, 叫做The Story Of Anvil



廿幾歲在日本的ROCK FEST萬人空巷, 影響後世heavy metal; 到幾廿歲要走去做司機送貨, 在Transivania酒吧表演得幾個人睇. 有情有義有笑有淚. 追求夢想沒有底線, 有的是痴線. 真是試過成功, 試過失敗, 但沒有放棄.



一邊看一邊以為是Spinal Tap, 但難以置信地, 他們的故事是真的. 那些只會在攪笑電影出現的荒旦情節, 在他們身上發生了.

Hello, fright

人生常常遇到不同的選擇

當我猶豫的時間, 我問自己, 究竟是什麼令我不能下決定?
不是傷天害理, 不是殺人放火
如果唯一的理由是害怕的話
我就更加要去做

一個人什麼都沒有, 走去英國, 我害怕嗎?
很害怕

那麼, 我就來了

你好, 恐懼

又下雪了

從房間望下去, 潔白的積雪鋪在地上, 沒有一點瑕疵, 太美了



忽發奇想



我是不是太無聊了?

不久有人走過. 他們的笑聲令我更歡樂.



又下雪了

TAG

通常我不玩TAG的, 但這個TAG已被不同的朋友TAG了數次, 是否意味正正我不玩, 而更令到朋友們想認識我更深?

規則：當你比人tag左，就要寫一篇note，內含16項有關你的事情、習慣、喜好、目標……或任何各不相干但有關你的東西。最後tag另外16個人。你必須tag返tag左你的那個人。如果我tag左你，即係我想認識你更深。

1. 近來攪VISA的事務令我心情起起跌跌. BOB見我咁擔心, 告訴我: "WELL... THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM IN MY ATTIC..." 即時被我罵臭. 我唔要做II!!

2. 好記得阿哥跟我說過, 你是什麼人就會交到什麼朋友. 出來行, 我就拿個心出來交朋友.

3. 過馬路或在路邊時時, 常常幻想突然有架車會撞向自己, 然後暗暗計劃應如何逃生. 如是者, 在高處或崖邊皆會暗忖著地方法; 海邊亦然. 只是在坐飛機時, 想極也想不出來...

4. 我很感激媽媽在我幼稚園時為我報讀培正, 升中時亦說服我選了協恩. 令我得到一段非常嚮往的校園生活及一些終生的朋友.

5. 我亦很慶幸自己選擇了參與好戲量. 曾經有人跟我說過可能是一個要洗的底, 但我越來越覺得好戲量教我的終生受用. 革命是革自己的命. 生命能影響生命.

6. 常常幻想著有一天, 我會在西九工作, 每天踏著單車上班, 經過綠化及開揚的道路, 偶爾跟在空地耍太極的街坊打招呼. 下午跟同事在樓下那間獨立經營的CAFE傾計或開會. 放工時風吹過來是涼的...

7. 我是一個好好的聆聽者, 但我卻不懂向人說心事. 因此令人誤以為我很成熟, 很懂得處理自己情緒.

8. 在餅店中工作, 頭一個月真叫人氣餒. 開工不足之餘, 亦感到工作無聊無意義至極. 幸好後來成功安慰自己, 釋懷了一點. 工作開始得心應手, 跟同事們交朋友, 每天邊做邊玩再同客人吹吹水. 時間過得越來越易了.

9. 新年暗暗許下願望, 希望新一年不要再懶. 誰知真的不能懶, 一星期開始返4/5日工, 再加兩日去BRADFORD返劇團. 真是日日做到無停手.

10. 11/12歲常常去黃埔溜冰; 14歲時很喜歡偷入機鋪玩 dance dance revolution, 15歲開始很迷日本band並開始玩cos play, 曾經計過自己花了過萬元買日本雜誌; 中六開始不再追日本band, 追上了brit pop, 歐美rock及techno; 1822的大學時代無日無夜地在好戲量玩戲劇, 及後找到了終生理想; 現時在Bob的影響下開始喜歡blues, drum n bass, 閒時遊山玩水等等. 仍是很喜歡日本band Plastic Tree及Miyavi.

11. 曾經覺得自己是個文科人, 而且中學時極憎Econ及Math, 於是有幾年完全認為自己不能明白科學及經濟, 並且覺得與自己無關. 近年開始發現原來科學及經濟什為有趣. 是我broadening的開端罷.

12. 一直都覺得用錢來賺錢這種機制很不正常. 錢的出現本來不是為了方便易物而已嗎? stock market更像一個邪教, 只是大家都信就得救, 但那裡的神就是錢. 薪金應是一個人付出的勞力的回報.

13. 仍很希望能在不同的城市工作/生活, 包括柏林, 北京, 台北, 倫敦, Amsterdam, Helsinki, Argentina等等. 阿媽話, 死囉, 生左個女好似個仔咁, 成日都唔鐘意喺屋企 (前曰: 個仔又好似個女咁, 成日鐘意喺屋企)

14. 本來比較喜歡whisky and coke, 現在喜歡rum and ginger和tequila. 討厭所有啤酒.

15. 如果我不是咁懶, 應該會比現在有錢很多. 但可惜我又不太介意窮. 話雖如此, 我也不甘心很窮. 這個程度的野心應該可以令我生活得很開心.

16. 我是半個運動白痴, 不能好好把握所有有技巧的運動, 例如藍球, 足球, 游泳, 高爾夫球等; 但是又因為體型嬌小, 滑水能屈機地(院小姐言)很容易在水面上平衡, 加上劇團的體能訓練, 跳舞也能扮pro. 實情可能是我從來不夠耐性去練習.

好了好了, 嗯嗯
朋友們, 最後點首歌給你們聽. 是Miyavi的Dear My Friend
第一句是 "Dear my friend, 請抬頭望天吧, 那我們就在看著同一天空了"
嗯, 看來是"千里共蟬娟"的摩登日語版呢

新年快樂

MIND THE GAP

真是晨光初露
今天出門時, 天剛亮. 有陽光的BRADFORD還不至於那麼難過.
終於, 劇場工作開始了. 雖然只是實習形式, 但是一個好開始. 新年願望自己不要懶, 果然就懶不了.

完成一天的工作, 很享受. 遊雲回到LEEDS, 與BOB去游了個夜水.

好睏.

快睡, 天亮後的今日是好日.

開倉

上年攪戲, 要找戲服, 我們去了LEEDS市邊沿的一間專租舞台服裝的店, 最終35鎊3日租了一套熊貓衫.

今年一月尾, 它要關門大吉了. 今個週末, 開倉3日賣夜冷.

上年只是在COUNTER看圖選衫, 昨天入到去, 赫然發現原來那間店非常咁大.





令人心情複雜.

真是什麼都有. 動物, 超人, 生果, 中世紀, SIFI, 軍隊, 魔幻. 要咩有咩. 我相信, 三層的貨倉應有幾十萬件COSTUME

全部貨成架成籃任你BID, 林羅滿目. 被咁多COSTUME包圍真是幾開心, 像尋寶. 但如此一個好地方將要關門了, 齊全的COSTUME從此將要各散東西, 落入不同的買家手中. 咁好的資源將要消失了.

人蔘雞湯

自家製人蔘雞湯



哈哈! 竟然可以煲得咁清.
好有屋企味.
在天寒地凍的日子, 身在他方, 飲著甘甜的補湯, 感覺幸福

為之氣結

上年3月, 我製作了一個名為"殘酷哈姆雷特"的演出, 並為之設計了一張海報, 如下:



怎料, 今天趁閒著出城買東西, 赫然看見大團OPREA NORTH的新劇宣傳燈箱:


唔係咁啱呀???

好討厭. 我不能說他們抄我, 但我繼續用自己創作的海報就反而會被人屈我抄佢...

討厭得像小學時上美勞堂, 當其他人不知應點做時, 自己很快做好一個精美的兔兔小錢包, 然後不斷改良, 所以第一堂無交; 到第二堂, 班上大部分女生都抄了我的款了. 交功課時, 那是非不分的HEA老師當然認不出我是原創. 我自此就討厭上美術堂一, 並放棄了對畫畫的興趣. (同一個老師, 因為覺得我畫的一幅畫太靚而不相信是我自己畫的, 所以給我打了很低分) 雖然過了十幾年, 我還是很介意.

這個老師, 是"誤人子弟"的最佳示範.

另一個開始被我懷疑誤人子弟的老師, 竟然是一位在學校裡(差不多)人人愛戴的老師. 她教RELIGIOUS STUDIES, 我曾經覺得她是一個開明, 有計傾, 活出基督樣式, 一個身教重於言教的老師. 但前排突然醒起, 中五時, RS堂我們談到兩性關係, 有同學提出關於性的問題, 言論間談及PENETRATION. 那位老師一提到PENATRATION, 即時縮肩, 雙手在胸前手掌向出左右擺動, 做出"怕怕/咪攪"的身體語言, 面上露出尷尬的笑容, 然後說, "唔好講啦, 好核突GA", 並在一秒後再確保多一次, "真係好核突GA". 當時, 純真的我們即時放過她, 並在我的小小心靈中留下了一個神秘及不可侵犯的疑問. 自此有好一段時間我真係以為好核突唔講得.

大佬, 我中五時, 已經是2001年了, 大家都已經16/17歲了. 即使大家是6/7歲, 在課堂上正經地有機會跟學生談性的問題, 是不是開心都來不及要好好把握住? 更壞的, 這件事發生在一個基督教學校裡受人尊敬的宗教老師身上. 宗教堂教我們要活出基督的樣式, 將榮耀歸予神. 在傳統名校裡宗教老師的榜樣, 其中一項就是"PENETRATION好核突GA唔好講". 難道基督徒老師誤傳了耶和華見證人的道, 真要我們保持住小孩子的心好讓我們進入天國? 那不如讓我們真的在還是小孩時死去, 總好過虛偽地幾十歲人還是很傻很天真了.

更不幸的, 是一個我喜愛的老師, 也曾經令我反智. 很多宗教上的問題我們不明白, 我和KITTY去問他, 在課餘時間專登跟他學習聖經及人生的意義. 鑽研到一個地步, 去到大家都理性上都不能明白的地方, 老師為我們提供了一個終極答案: 上帝是超越理性的. 這是THE POINT OF NO RETURN, 要不一哄而散, 要不默默點頭. 那時, 我好像選擇了後者. 我到現在都不明白什麼是"超越理性", 他說"超越理性"時是什麼意思.

我不是要否定基督教, 只是, 原來我由細到大被培養的服從性曾經讓不同的宗教老師輕易過骨.

Happy New Year 2009

This is gonna be a fabulous year